We will be bringing you new

           interviews weekly.  If I am not

           conducting them personally, they

            will be handled by

            our new field reporter,

            Sanjeev.

 

 

 

The Roloff-Gere Shapeshift Conspiracy ??

We sent Sanjeev to investigate this rumor of Young Jesus having gone underground to Roloff Farms.
Upon his arrival, he did not find Young Jesus, but came back with evidence that Matt Roloff and Richard Gere are indeed the same person.  Mr. Roloff’s crutches are essential to this supernatural act of shape-shifting, because his bones often take a while to readjust.  Sanjeev will continue the search to find Young Jesus and what underground he has vanished to.  Hopefully we can count on Saint Carl to be both ambassador and messenger to the public until we know the exact whereabouts of Young Jesus again.  All we know from Carl is a new video message from Young Jesus will be here in the days to come.

mrnrg  

 

 

                                                      Sanjeev—The White House Lawn

This is Sanjeev reporting from the bushes outside the Whitehouse.
Only hours ago, on the very lawn you see behind me I had the opportunity to witness the President's
dog, Barney, having a very "peculiar" bowel movement.
After seeing the dog struggle past its third steaming log, something began to shimmer like a mirror
in the rays of the morning sun.
After the Secret Service brought the dog back inside, I began a slow belly crawl across the lawn
virtually unnoticed until I was face to face with the suspicious excrement.
And there it was: My premonition was right!
The dog must have digested some kind of White House intelligence microchip that hit the floor
at an earlier time.
I held my breathe and used my fingers to pinch each log firmly until it broke from around the microchip
as though I were some archeologist chipping the treasure from this Holy Grail of Poo.
What was going to be my attempt to question the President at his weekly briefing turned into a re-con
mission across the lawn on my belly to retrieve this "canine expelled intelligence" and get it into
the hands of my boss YOUNG JESUS as soon as humanly possible.
And that's just what I did.
 
 
The following may rattle some core beliefs but what is more important to you:
the truth or what sits comfortably because it's what you've known all your life?
 
The microchip was a Lexicon of Alien-Human-contact proof that began with the following quote,
 
"How well we know what a profitable superstition this fable of Christ has been for us," Pope Leo X (1513-1521.)
 
Then a series of X-rays, medical reports and Maps were revealed about a tiny being that has gotten minimal media attention
considering what we have come to discover.
Why the biblical quote? What did the medical reports reveal? Has the basis for all the world's religion come full circle
to strangle itself with the unseen ghost of an unknown God? Or are we on the verge of some subliminal, interstellar
war that the government keeps us blind to by letting the media only educate us on a fifth grade level while we're being
led like sheeple into a Holocaust of the psyche by a Shadow Government waging a personal war against the prison
of its own fable which has been long taught as "History?"
Some of you also might be inclined to Google the word : Alionshenka
 
(You will find the watered-down version of the OCEAN of information
about the subject which is now in possession of YOUNG JESUS FILMS.)
 Young Jesus himself is about to issue his own press release
within the days to come.
For now, all I am at liberty to say is,
ALIONSHENKA:
 
GOOGLE IT!!!
 
"Kirk out"
—Sanjeev

 

 

 

                                                        Matt Roloff

 

 

Recently I had the opportunity to interview a television ICON and personal Hero.

If he had really shown up, the interview would have gone as follows:

 

YJ: Sitting across from me in this booster seat is Mr. Matt Roloff from The Learning Channel's

program LITTLE PEOPLE BIG WORLD.  Mr. Rolof, it's an honor to have you here.

 

(At this point, I reach over to meet his handshake with an arm embrace and then a gentle coning

of his head with the ball of my hand and fingers in a turning clocklike motion which I like to call

the "peach juicer."  My cat is quite fond of this, although sometimes bites me.)

 

MR:  OW!! STOP!!...What are u doing to me?

 

YJ: I'm sorry, a bit carried away. 

 

MR: I didn't think I came here for a noogie. 

 

YJ: No, no, you came here to give answers to things everyone's dying to know.  So let's get started.

 

MR: Ok, what's on your mind?

 

YJ:  Well, to be honest, I have your head on my wallpaper for my computer..and everytime it freezes or crashes I kind of fantasize about  punching your lights out or cinching you in a potato sack with rocks and throwing you off the Goethals bridge.  But let's talk about your mind.  Is it true, that unlike most dwarves, you have a brain the size of a bottlenose dolphin? And your achievements for a man of such vertical ineptitude probably have you hated amongst other little people?

 

MR:  I'm sorry about your computer.  (long pause) And I've never weighed or had my brain examined so I couldn't answer that  (longer pause)  (followed by a long sigh) And I actually like to think I'm an inspiration to little people everywhere proving that a person's height doesn't get in the way of reaching for the stars.

 

YJ:  Tell us about your insatiable hunger for acorns.

 

MR: acorns?

 

YJ: Yes. Acorns.  Isn't that the staple diet of most active dwarves? Or do you indulge in the digging of

fresh grubs and beetles at the sunrise like the early pioneers of achondroplasia did when they inhabited

the forests before almost becoming extinct, thanks to the fur traders infamous LEG HOLD TRAPS?

 

MR: (longest pause I've ever witnessed by any animal or human).....I eat a normal diet like you do.

What are you talking about?  Can we talk about something that makes sense?

 

YJ: OK OK...How many agility points do you think I'd get for snatching a bag of acorns from you

in a game of dungeons and dragons? With or without your pointy shoes on?

 

MR: I don't wear pointy shoes, and I don't know what you're talking about.  Listen, (struggles to unstrap himself from the booster seat), if this isn't going to take a serious turn, I'll be leaving.

 

YJ: Ok...ok..wait..If you stay for a few more questions I'll let you leave here with a suitcase of the finest

gumdrops ever made.  Don't leave..

 

MR: Then ask me something real!!!!

 

YJ: Ahhh...not to stereotype you, but you did just fall for the old SUITCASE FULL OF GUMDROPS trick.  But that's ok.  its ok.  Tell me about your sex life.   I have an article somewhere that said you copulate with your wife the same way a bullfrog does, minus the slimy secretions of course.

I also read that you can make love longer than a tantric Shaman because of your ability to cut off the circulation to your penis by ringing it through your knotted fingers like some PLAY-DOH hairdo-making noodle machine.  Let me go get that article..  ( I exit the room)

 Upon returning to the room to tell him I couldn't find the article, I noticed the first floor window was open, and the curtains were blowing in the breeze.

I looked outside to see Mr. Roloff galloping away on the large pig he rode to my apartment.

I'm not sure if he left angry, or just used the window because he wasn't tall enough to reach the doorknob.

He couldn't have been that mad.

That suitcase of gumdrops was missing.

 

 

 

 

Next week, our field reporter and 2008 campaign correspondent, Sanjeev, will be reporting from the bushes outside the White House.